I am so lost...

I have been really bad, I just started dating a new guy and after I sprained my ankle like 5 weeks ago I have not been able to run like usual and I feel huge I have been binging and purging a lot at night and today for the first time I threw up blood! I was so scared! I wanna be thin but not die!
Does anyone recommend a diet that works so I don't b/p anymore!

I feel sooooo FAT!!! for a while i actually though i was doing alright but the fat feeling is not going away. I am eating super healthy but i am eating a lot! but its all from vegies and protien and nuts and good stuff!!

Grrrr.....

CRAP I left my journal at home and I am out of town for 6 weeks and I think my boyfriend might have read some of it cause tonight on the phone he asked if I was eating enough or if I was cutting back on how much I was eating? And said that if I come back home and I have lost a bunch of weight he will be really upset with me. He said he did not want me getting all anarexic or anything. Why on earth would he say that unless he knew something.... Oh well I will loose at lease 5 more pounds before I go home but thats not that much so it won't be a big deal. I have been dealing with ED for a long time and no one has ever found out for sure anything! I am sure he will find out some day but not any time soon.

I feel so shitty I ate a really high calorie dinner because my step mom took me out to dinner, it was a blast! I just have to make sure that I make up for it tomorrow by LOW LOW calories!!

 Todays food 

Workout : 30min running at high alt. and up hill (-250) crunched pushups

b: apple (50)
l: 1 cup chicken noodle, 1/2 turkey sandwhich no cheese (500)
d: veggies and hummis and wine (400)
Misc. snacks: (200)

Total:1,150- 250= 900
Goal for tomorrow : 700
Maybe something like:
Yogurt (50) apple (50) veggie burger (120) salad (100) tuna (150) soup (100) popcorn (200)


These girl are making me so depressed maybe its the wine but I know they are making me feel FAT.  I saw pictures from today and I am by far the worst looking I am pale and plain and fat.  I wish there was something I could do to be better looking.  One of the girl lost a ton of weight and is SOOOOO tiney and show off the before and sfter pix and I am sooo jellous she did it in 4 months she he perfect Grrr i hate her...

Ok today is day 1 of my promo, I just got to the house and its amazing HUGE house that I am sharing with 5 other girls who are amazingly beautiful. We are all so different looking its neat but I totally fel like the ugly fat one. We have 3 different outfits for the promo and they are all really cute I am excited about working. Weird to say that but I am. I am going to get 3 days off a week and I can't wait to go skiing.
My plan while I am here (6weeks) is to loose 5+ pounds. I hope I can do that by eating right and cutting calories. I also plan on running (well trying to run I am at 10,000 ft above sea level) it might be hard but I am getting up early to go tomorrow. The girls I am with are great thinspiration but somehow they eat whatever the hell they want. It makes me sick sometimes, we went to the store tonight and I was soooo good all I got was healthy stuff veggies and apples and tuna, not a whole lot of carbs.

I will really need your support right now PLAESE POST ANY THINSPIRATION U HAVE PLEASE!!!!!
I want my outfit that fits me perfect now to be big on me by the end of the trip, and I really want my boy and best friend to see my hard work and weight loss :)

I LOVE THESE:
http://mx.geocities.com/lushia_dance/15reasons.html
http://mx.geocities.com/lushia_dance/difference.html
http://mx.geocities.com/lushia_dance/Thin.html

Ohhh my god I saw pictures of the girls I am doing promo's with and they are all perfect and so tiney I will be the fattest one by far!! SHIT! I wish I could get out of it.  Here is my thinspiration!!!

So i just turned 23 and I feel old. I ate shitty all weekend well i did not eat that bad but i ate a lot Yuck and my promo is next week and 6 weeks ongoing! I am trying to eat under 500 cal and poppin green tea pills and Stackers 3. I hope it helps me I really need it.

I feel so fat!!! I am doing a 6 week promotion starting march 6th any advice on how to dump a few pounds????

Why is it that the people that we love are the ones who hurt us the most?  I do everything I can to be there for my mom and its always turns into something negative.  I am almost 23 its not my job to take care of my mom.  But when I see that she is in need I am the 1st to come running and she totally treats me like shit for doing it.  She makes me so depressed and is so hard to deal with that I just want to give up but I feel like my brother and I are all my mom has left.  If we are not there for her that who will be?  I just feel that we deserve to be treated better.

Sorry about venting I am just so upset.  I really makes me want to B/P I really hope I can hold back but who knows,  I guess its good that I am upset it will make me not want to eat.  I will be around her and if I don't eat it will make her mad...  any way I think I am going to go buy some stacker's or green tea pills today!  any recommendations?????

I am trowing a party with a 90's theme any fun ideas on costumes or decorations??

Thanks I alreday have snap bracelets on the way! YES


XOXO

Hey ladies I have not lost any weight but i am working out like crazy like 2 hours a day 5-6 days a week i am sore a lot but i really am seeing muscle starting to show more and more. I did buy pants a size smaller but... the scale sais that same so it just does not process.

I am TOTALLY addicted to food its all i think about its all i want i could eat and eat and eat its sooo gross. I guess its a good thing that I eat healthy but what can i do to get my mind off of food. I use to be good at fasting and now i can't. I don't want to I want to EAT YUCK!!!

( Beauty from the OC )

I decited to start posting the pood i am eating because I am feeling sgitty about the amount of food i am eating so this way i have to look at how much i ate!

Maybe it will scare me.. probably not as much as looking in the mirror!!! yikes

 

( Food today )

I have had the worst weekend ever.  I have been cryin non-stop for like 3 days, my mom once again is having all kinds of drama and always brings me in the middle I am 22 when will she stop!? 
I had to get rid of my kitty she was 2 because she bad behavioral issues, and i know they put her to sleep and i have to be in my condo all alone ( my boy is out of town) and its so quiet and I feel soooo guilty!  I can;t stop crying and thinking about her!!
I am huge! and PMSing and all i want to do is eat i am always starving I just need to fast for a day or 2 and shrink my tummy but its been so hard for me i have no idea why

I feel so alone!

 

( This is so hard for me to post )

Oh my god the past week i have binged 4 times! YUCK I promised myself that I was going to stop and I did for like 3 months. Now I am obsessed with food, I feel so gross and fat. I looked in the mirror tonight after my shower and wonder what my boyfriend sees?! Because i don't see it i think i look nasty!

Tomorrow I have a dance audition for seaworld and I am so nervous because I have not danced in a few months and I look really bad in dance clothes I have no idea what I am going to weir tomorrow but I really don't want them to not hire me because I am fat. I have this really bad feeling that I am goin to totally bomb the audition, I will be so embarrassed! I have not really told anyone about the audition cause if i don't make it then no one will know but me.

I am totally going under financially I really need to find extra work. Work is so slow right now and I am taking whatever promo job I can just to make a few bucks but i think I will have to surrender and get a shitty normal job that pays min. wage I have not been payed min. wage in like 5 years its really going to hurt my self-esteem I feel like I am taking a step backwards...

Sorry about venting...........

 

( Thinspiration )

Day 1 of my fast its only been like 12 hours! Lame
Wish me luck!!!!
If anyone wants to join me please feel free I'll need the support
XOXO

Yuck I was bad I know I am fasting starting at midnight so I binged and purged and I feel like shit now its been so long and I wish I never did it. I guess it will make it easier for me to fast! I feel so damn guilty
Fasting is hard what do I do when I am at work and we all order lunch and I don't get anything?? Maybe I'll order and just not eat it. Maybe I can just get some kind of soup made with broth and just drink the broth! My friends are so suspicious already I'll just avoid being around them for long periods.

Man I have been sick and my boyfriend and I just bought a condo and we just moved in all week up and down 3 flights of stairs. But I have been off my diet schedule for a long we have been eating out a lot even though i order healthy I still know I am getting more calories then I need I really need support right now! If anyone wants to fast with me let me know it would be nice to have buddy. I have not been to the gym in over a week cause of being sick and i got a good enough work out moving. But its not the same I feel crappy when I don't make it to the gym. I hope everyone is doing well
XOXO